Written by: Melissa Harder

I’ve watched the NBA draft lottery over the years but I’ve never really had a lot of stake in it because I don’t typically cheer for one team (I only cheer, as discussed in a previous article, for my NBA boyfriend). So for a change of pace, I invited someone over who has a clear stake in the lottery – my friend Kieran.

Kieran short-sightedly canceled his cable this summer so he could spend more time outside (I know, I know, how could I even be friends with someone like that? Who cares about natural light? The sun’s rays damage my skin anyhow) which means that he had to come over tonight so he could watch the lottery on my TV and in his words “yell, cry and bargain with the almighty” for a proper draft pick.

A bit of history – Kieran is a tortured Toronto Raptor fan (no that’s not a typo, I really mean it). But he’s not exactly your typical fan. He actively cheers against the Raptors once it becomes clear they are going to suck during the season and have no hope in hell of ever making the playoffs. This is known as cheering for “tankonia”. It led to entertaining declarations over the season like the following:

Kieran: “The freaking Raptors beat the Celtics yesterday. What the hell are they doing? How will they ever win the Unibrow Sweepstakes?!”

And so here we are. The Raptors have a 3.5% chance of landing the number one pick. I’m not so sure it’s going to be possible but you just never know. I love the draft lottery by the way. Endless predictions from lots of studio blowhards and for what? Do they know it’s a lottery? It is in the title after all. Can they predict the future? No better than I can. And then you get 42 seconds of hype, lots of long faces, happy faces, shocked faces and then a commercial break. Then it’s a quick return for the announcing of the top three. Tonight it went as follows:

• Kieran and I discussed how historically the number one pick usually pans out, number twos are busts (management loses all sense of reality and tries to swing for the fences) and then pick number three rights the ship.

• Apparently Raptors Coach Casey is wearing his lucky University of Kentucky tie and lucky blue underwear. Is that better or worse than Cleveland’s owner Dan Gilbert and his son Nick wearing the same clothes?

• So disappointed to see some Russian woman and not crazy Russian billionaire owner or Jay-Z coming to represent the Brooklyn Nets. Wait, what did she just say in Russian? “The fix is in?
  
  
  As soon as they started announcing picks, Kieran sat forward and started sweating …

 

14 – Houston Rockets

13 – Phoenix Suns

12 – Milwaukee Bucks

11 – Portland Trailblazers

10 – New Orleans Hornets

9 – Detroit Pistons

8 – Please please please please DAMMIT Toronto Raptors

7 – Golden State Warriors

6- Brooklyn Nets (Oh how entertaining. This pick ends up going to the Portland Trailblazers. They gave it up for Gerald Wallace … Haha. Awesome. This was possibly the worst trade in the history of time.)

5- Sacramento Kings

4 – Cleveland Cavaliers (meaning the New Orleans Hornets move into top 3.)

3 – Washington Wizards

2 – Charlotte Bobcats (somewhere Michael Jordan is making an enemy list and adding ‘powerball lottery’ to it)

1 – New Orleans Hornets

WOW. The Hornets. Winners of the Unibrow Sweepstakes! Congratulations …

Hey wait, aren’t the Hornets owned by the league? Conspiracy time!

Who DAT?